Farewell, October '09 ~

Tuhan, adalah kekuatan ku

Bersama Dia ku tak akan goyah...

They're done with sundown worship and now I can hear scrambled voices here and there. As I listen to these sounds, I realize one thing - I was wrong about so many things, and one of them... I thought I wouldn't miss anything about this school year. Turns out to be, that even before the school year officially ends, I'm already missing it for some reason. 

And so I guess, it's not only them feeling it... I am feeling it too. I'll say, Happy Sabbath another time. Til then... November awaits me.

Online...

Could you possibly survive without the good ol' Internet? I'm guessing, no, unless of course you're the type who chooses to live in perfect harmony with nature alone. Well, in the first place, you wouldn't be reading this if you really could. 

I am right now in the classroom, and being able to receive connection from here is so much fun. This I must say, is my first time. Man, this is so cool. I will forever remember this moment. Like, duh. 

Mmm.. okay.. just let it be.. today just has to be better than yesterday or the yesterdays. Still got my health - God hasn't robbed that away from me just yet. Therefore, I'd like to think I have so much more to live for and I gotta let that sink in good. 

Hope (for the better) is what keeps the human spirit alive. I shared that once, right here, in this classroom. Now, I am sharing it here. 

Listen to You

Need to put on some weight, and I don't mean it literally - I don't need to put on extra kilos because I'm not exactly under the category of being underweight (for the height that I am, I'm pretty sure I'm quite fine).

Just need to have some weight on the soles that I have so I can feel... solidity. Now, to explain this with all explicitness would only beat the bore out of me - if that should make any sense at all.

Gotta learn to understand myself better. Yes, it's one of those days where I'm down with a conflict from within. To realize your weakness is a good thing... when you don't do a damn thing about it - when you well know you could - sours things up. That is the bad thing. 

For now, I'm going to load my tummy with something. By 10pm, I should be done fixing whatever it is that I have in mind to chew on. That is late, I know, but sometimes, you say to yourself, "Heck with it" and go on breaking your own set of rules. 

For The Most Part Of It, Does It Have To Come From Me?

So the friend remembers.. but it's not the same at all.

If it's possible, I want to die a happy person. Is that too much a request to ask for?

Just something that struck my mind, and which had never quite did before. 

My image pick for the day.

Hate it when the image captured by my hands and judged by my eyes, seems to be slanting. Either the structure isn't perfect or... it's just plainly my fault. There.

 After publishing this post earlier, I decided I wasn't satisfied with the first (and meant to be the only one) picture, so this one's newly uploaded. This was the first shot actually. Dang, both looks quite the same. The second didn't seem any better than the first, and I'd like to put that as vice versa. Most definitely, my fault.   


~   ~   ~

Which way you heading to? Are your steps bringing you down or up? Or... are you deciding on being stuck in the middle? 

I'll answer my own question... Whichever, so long the position that I decide to put myself in makes me happy. 

Just Don't ~

A mere four left before striking the new hour... and there... it was granted. 

I decided to continue with the cleaning spree that I started on last Friday. Finally, done with my area, and now my working space is not so much of an eyesore. I know, it took me that long to push myself to do it. I had to do it though whether I felt like doing it or not - the busyness sort of kept my sanity for part of the day. I am happy with the results of my effort. At least, that is the single thing I can be happy about for now. 

 My now, clean-looking shelf (part of it). A little dusty on the surface, but that's not too hard a matter to settle.

My key chain and the bunch of keys on its ring with one of them being the defected key (from the incident of the problematic door lock). 

 

My trash basket which doesn't mind being in such lowly places (e.g. under the table). It'll stay empty and clean for the night.

~   ~   ~ 

Need to sit back and relax. But it can't go on forever, because life still has to go on.

Morning! ~

It's moments like those that makes me so alive.. yesterday and also.. times that twice.

Yes, morning from here! Mmm.. yesterday evening until early this morning was good.. still seems very fresh in the air as if it could happen all over again right about now. Wow.. it would be good if it really could. If only our wishes could really come true for the reasons that we think they should. Hmm.. life would be a bliss like a ballerina that graces her way through with nothing to stop her short from those movements. She has absolute control of where she wishes to go and how she wants to do it - she's the prima ballerina assoluta. Life could, perhaps, be a bliss.. life could also, perhaps, assume the pronoun she and not a he.

To go.. or to not go? 
It's tough to beat uncertainty.

Image

Cross Those Fingers ~

It's bad enough that you're caught doing what you were doing.. "Oh, shoot!".. better versions of it to follow.

Me, at my work desk, and obviously taking snapshots of myself.

 







Wonder what the rest of the hours of today holds. 

I Just Don't Know ~

So I heard.. it's that much apart.. well..

I need to break myself free from the mash of feelings I'm feeling right now... and lately. My afternoon nap was terrible because that sick feeling came flooding back to me, and I just damn right hate it. I know that I'll never get used to that feeling, no matter how many times I go through it. The only thing that I'll get used to is remembering how it felt before. 

Ahh, anyway, I think life is still playing its game quite fair. Or maybe not - the journal entries that I've been fed with gives me that impression.     


A toast to better days ahead.

What's it gonna be?

Red or white?


Image

Let's Sit For A Chat ~

I was asking this one and that one... and then...

I'm here glued before my laptop screen and typing this entry down. I'm supposed to be back at my apartment right now in either the kitchen busy cutting something on the chopping board, or, tasting the food which just needs the palate's approval before turning off the stove and shoving forward that empty plate.

My path back to my apartment was diverted because of one reason only - people gave me edibles to fill that empty stomach. Totally unexpected but was utterly grateful for those hands that gave. Mau nangis pun tidak boleh sebab terlampau gembira. [Couldn't cry 'cause I was overjoyed]. So... if you know how it feels to receive something (good), try being the giver. And I just did, because I learned something today. 

So, anyway, I'm here where I am right now, and there's completely nothing wrong with that at all. 

Before that by the way, class was fun at the one and only class that I had to enter for teaching - the other two were because of the exams that were going on in the upper level classes. Then, after that was over, I decided to have a chat with my students who were sitting on the bench - they were just staring into space which I would have very much like to do myself. And oh my, our chat was long. Two different people came by twice (yes, really) and commented on how long our chat was. We didn't quite care, 'cause anyway, should we? Hmm... so much to talk about, so much to shallowly think upon. So much wants to want for. 

Bless me because I got the exam papers in my hand on time, I had a puppy to lightly touch on its sleepy head, a favor for someone to respond to, some helpful tips on operating Word, a good class session, a light and hearty chat, food for lunch and now... still savoring the simplicity of what giving can mean. Yum. 

Now, I'd like to sit for more of those chats. Not serious ones. At least, not too serious.  

Keep me afloat ~

Keeping a close eye on them clutches those brows... would prefer being elsewhere... but distraction from a single other can loosen up the nerves... most of the time, completely.

I'm just waiting.. waiting to see how the week will end up. Wonder how I'd rate it later when Saturday ends. Does that ever get into your head? Wondering how the other end will be when you're not yet half way through? You know my answer but I haven't got a clue about yours. 

Hmm.. well, crossing paths with a cousin (and her significant other) was a good thing. When you don't want to face yourself, being embraced in the company of others is a thing that needs to happen. 

I'm afraid of... me. 

Hello, Sunday!

For the eyes that saw, for the voice that spoke, and for the heart that went against what shouldn't be... all these should come to pass, to be blown away with the wind... only fragments of what has gone, will continue to linger in moments... where... you want to remember, and relive what made you feel... alive. Cradle me... for my tomorrows.***

On a day such as this, where the sun is pretty much holding up the weather, there's quite a lot to look forward to. You know, this is very true, even if you haven't had your breakfast just yet. Whether you deliberately delayed your first meal of the day, or things came in your way that gave you a reason to still have an empty stomach nearing midday, well, you have munching sessions to meet up with to redeem yourself, hoping that you won't be struck down by the possibility of gastric cramps. Only after having done this - filling up that stomach which has already begun to dutifully chew on its insides because of the void - then only, you can seriously consider putting on that "look forward to" attitude to the promising day. 

Now, what I'm about to do shortly is, finish typing this up, leave the virtual contents of this screen as it is, head to the kitchen, and save myself from unnecessary torture. 

I am going to eat. It is a sin to overeat, and... it spells the same for not eating at all. 

Can't Always Be Merry Like Cherry

  
Wish it didn't have to start so bad... They talk you know... And I believe it too...

My key broke off in the door lock when I was turning it. Part of it. At first, I thought I was going to be doomed indoors for awhile. Already I was imagining calling up one of the staff in the school, asking for someone to come to my aid. I tried this, I tried that. My tongue was stained because I started cursing. Stupid thing is, I could have saved myself from more sin if only I turned down the handle of the door earlier, and of course, if I had more patience.

I managed to get a spare which I could be thankful for. But still, I'm not entirely skipping about happily in circles - the weather brings me down. And, it could probably be because of something else. 

Wish I had a plate of pie to throw at the wall.

Tomorrow perhaps?

Okay, I'll toss it back. I did today. What's playing in your head? And plus...  

Any job that requires meetings where I'll have to sit and listen and be patient for more than a short while will definitely make these eyelids very heavy. I rarely make it widely awake throughout a meeting because most of the time, somewhere in between, I'll slip into a doze mode - either discreetly or just plain obvious. There. And yes, I'm more than qualified to be kicked out from this place. Well, I don't wish for that to happen to me. It's better to kick myself out so I can spare myself whatever dignity I have in me. 

Marked and read through some journal entries today. I find the journal entries of those who are more absorbed in their effort to think and write, all the more appealing to lay my red ink on those pages. And best of all, is when a piece of the written thoughts, sticks to my head when I'm through reading them. I like the mature, reflective composed thoughts, plus, the ones with some humor to it. Haha! Too much seriousness will kill your cells and make you rot. 

Tomorrow no classes for me to enter. Ahhh... mind-soothing (for 'both sides', if you get what I mean). Same as the day after tomorrow. Will be entering only one for Friday. Waaa... just the thought of it seems like an exclusive spa-treatment (just an imagination, here), being pampered and all that. Gosh.

Anyway...

Here's something for you to see. 

See those eyes of that feline at the upper right corner? It's those eyes that made me choose this background for my browser. A pair of eyes can unlock mysteries of the mind. Saja-saja cakap. [Just saying]

Okay, okay. I was just told to come to another meeting. Say... in about half an hour from now. I'm doubting some things now, which are better left unsaid - for now, that is.

Apakah saya harus pergi??

I'll translate the above later. Or, I might as well delete it.

Perhaps Today ~

Hang around... but don't make me lose my focus because I need it. 

Anything could possibly happen within the given 24 hours of a day. The things that come by triggers various or different kinds of feelings depending on the type of experience encountered. Elated, amused, hilarious, etc. Bewildered, confused, outrageous, etc. There's a whole list of adjectives about feelings out there. 

What's my point here? Well, there are times of the day that I am fully anticipated to something, and there are other times where I just want to hide away. Sometimes, it's simply this... I couldn't care less.

Mmm... okayyy... I'm not making much sense here. I make it quite an issue when I have the feeling that I'm fumbling with my words. 

Whatever la.
 
My not-so-random image of the day.

Yesterday, this baby dwarf hamster turned exactly two weeks old with it being the "healthiest" in the litter - it measures almost twice the size of the others.

~   ~   ~

Possibilities.

F R I D A Y

Let me fall for them... over and over again. It's delirious. 

I want to eat something nice, simply because of the name of this day. Don't tell me, you don't know what day it is. Unless of course, we're separated by a different time zone, or you've got amnesia or something. But, anyway, we live under the same big sky. Some parts are a little more blue, some a little more gray - don't count in polluted-colored skies - some are just a little plain and pale.

Hmm... I want to see cars pass by, me being in on of them. Animated objects. Sounds. Of people talking - not shouting or mouthing off bad words. Of music streaming out of a particular music station. A sense of touch. To feel and to be felt. Thank God, I've got all my senses working. 

And, thank God... it's really Friday. I lived a little more than half of today. :)

Thursss...day

Didn't need to say it twice. But, anyway, see these fingers... they're dancing to a rhythm of an image.

~   ~   ~ 
Loving today's quote catch:

"Dance is the hidden language of the soul of the body."  
~Martha Graham~

~   ~   ~

Payments. You pay off this, you pay off that. Before you know it, more than half of the money in your bank account has flew high up in ashes. And possibly where to? Into the holes of regret? How much will be enough? Will the enough you want, be enough once you get it? Or will you crave for even more? 

Damn, I must say, to the two-legged intellectual beings, for their ever-thirsty mouth of desires. The line is often too fine - almost transparent - that one steps over the limits more than once. That's why, that's why... it's hard for the human heart to be content.

In other words, it's hard for me to come to terms with that. C o n t e n t - a word from the past that rings over and over again.

Just thoughts... verbalized into visible words. 


Below, my ordinary image of the day.

Sayonara... may the pure petals of the cherry blossom, fall quietly on the rich fertile ground below.

And with that, here are words that are playing in the corner of my mind - lyrics to a song you might know. I'm sticking to just this portion of it.

 Listen to the song here in my heart

A melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within

It's only beginning to find release

...

Listen to the song here in my heart

A melody I start but I will complete

 

Oh, Wednesday...

 
I wished too hard. And I got it, but it wasn't quite what I expected. Still, I think I can smile. Please, forget me not. 

One's approach and attitude counts - sometimes a whole big deal of it. Got to be more mindful of that. Wished that unplanned things and a twist of impromptu works and turns out well most of the time. 

But it doesn't. And for it to happen today feels as though a gentle ocean breeze just swept past me. It forgave me.